I am sorry for being down, but this is something this is very hard for me in ways I could never imagine.
In the eyes of many people I'm the happy, smiley funny woman. I bring that goofiness to their day.
And I happily do this. But I find myself right now in a place where it doesn't come as naturally as it used to and at the end of my day I am exhausted.
One of my very best friends said to me, you're allowed to laugh, have fun if even for just a moment, this does not in any way mean you're not grieving and missing Eva.
This does not mean you're happy and everything is perfect.
Because some moments I feel guilty for that.
Also sometimes it seems I'm in a bubble stuck and I see all these people around me walking past and their lives just moving forward like nothing has happened, and of course it hasn't happened to them it has happened to me and my family and strangers don't know this.
Makes me think twice as to how I treat others as well, who knows what their battle is about.
I sleep, all night, but I always wake up tired with a hint of panic. Cannot believe Eva will not wake up today..? And my father and uncle...they will never wake up again.
I used to fear dying when I was younger, I didn't want to die and the thought of not waking up made me struggle to even fall asleep at night...
Arrrgghh.
I keep myself busy, that means I think less about everything...
But I know somewhere a long the line I just have to halt..and work through it.
That's it for this time...I hope I didn't make you feel bad..but this blog is a place where I am allowed to do just this and maybe this will make you understand me in a way.
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